Changing your ways…

… is much easier said than done.

*Btw… I’m going to be posting some personal posts for the next while I think. The New Year and *life* I guess is making me very reflective.

How do you break patterns of things that you’ve been doing the same way for years and years? How do you break them when it’s what you’ve grown up with and what you’ve seen?

I think you have to really get tired of it. Even then.. it’s so easy to fall back into those patterns.

I’ve noticed that I have a really difficult time dealing with endings, losing people and things ending. If a job ends or I lose a job… I’m pretty fine with it. I might be upset for a day, but the next day I move on. But with friendships and relationships, and with people rejecting you… that’s tough. And I cannot see to get a hang of “properly” letting someone go.

I don’t like for things to change, even if I myself want the change. I think that I want friends and men to fight for me, even though I don’t want to fight for them anymore. Pretty selfish, right?

At least I know I do this. I tend to become a horrible person when someone wants to leave, even though every single time, I have “made” the situation happen that way. I honestly don’t know why I do this.

But at least I realize that I do. And that I want to change.

Change is hard. Everyone knows that. Even if it’s necessary, change is hard.

But I think that deep down, you have to know better. And I do. I know that people deserve to be treated with respect, and not treated poorly – not matter how hurt I can be.

I think it’s all just about growing up. Finally.

25 things about me

I always found these lists a little silly, but I figure I might as well put one out just to give readers a little bit of info about myself :).

  1. My name is Claudia
  2. I am 24 years old
  3. I’m a Cancer (for the zodiac peeps)
  4. I live in the capital of Canada (Ottawa)
  5. I LOVE winter. Judge me all you want. Canadian weather is perfect
  6. I have a rare eye condition that leaves me with limited peripheral vision, less than perfect central vision, and limited night vision
  7. Tying in with the last point… I hate when people pity me. I would rather someone understand what I am going through instead of feeling sorry for me
  8. I genuinely think that life is awesome. Yes, some days are difficult. Some days are hard as hell. But I wouldn’t trade places with anyone. I love who I am, even though I hate some of the things I do
  9. Full disclosure: I tend to be either ice cold or overly emotional in relationships… hehe. Something I’m working on. Promise
  10. If you ever want to guilt me into feeling badly about the way I treated you.. that’s very easy
  11. My mom is my hero. She is always there for me, even when I don’t deserve it
  12. Along with pretty much every twenty-something year old, I love travelling. Last year was  a great travel year – New York/New Jersey x2, Vancouver, and more that I can’t think of at the moment
  13. I think that Friday the 13th’s are lucky
  14. I lived in Calgary, AB for 14 years. It was awesome. Alberta and British Columbia re beautiful. I miss it, but I don’t think I would move back
  15. I’m the oldest child in the family, out of 4
  16. I can never get enough apple sauce. Or poutine. Or green tea.
  17.  Not to be cocky or anythang, but I know that I have a killer intuition. When I know something, I know it
  18. My future plans change about every month
  19. Somehow, I always come back to writing. It’s my therapy
  20. Reading ties in with that as well. I love escaping or experiencing a different world. Travelling helps with that too, and hearing other people’s stories
  21. I am obsessed with analyzing people, especially their romantic relationships. I find it all so interesting. Why did those two get back together- they were horrible to each other! How are the two of them lasting so long, they don’t have anything in common! Those two would be perfect together, how are they not dating?! Those kinds of things. I genuinely love learning about people’s relationships
  22. I don’t drive (check #6)
  23. When I was younger, my sister tried to cut my finger off (really). And I also stapled my finger another time, just because (really)
  24. I had a horrible time with injuries when I was younger. I was injury-prone, and I’m surprised I do not have more scars/broken bones to prove it
  25. I’m not sure exactly what I want to do “when I grow up (aka nowwww),” but I’d love to do something where I get to share people’s success stories/inspirational stories… the kinds of things you read on Facebook, or the feel-good stories you hear on the news. That is what keeps people going, and I have such a strong connection to bringing out the best in life, even though you might think there is nothing left

Meh, pretty generic.

No resolutions

2017 is the first year where I am actually not planning on setting in motion any resolutions.

I figure it’s the easiest thing to do. Resolutions are broken so easily, and so quickly. I think that most of the time, it’s setting someone up for failure. I understand goals, but I think resolutions are different in nature. I can’t put my finger on it, but they just seem different. There seems to be more pressure. You have to / cannot do a certain thing for a whole year. That’s a long time. Goals can be personal, and you don’t have to share those with everyone. I feel like resolutions are more things you tell other people. I’ve had more personal success with goals when I’ve kept them to myself.

So this year, I’m not setting out to accomplish anything. If I could be setting out some kind of resolution, I would probably say it’s simply to take things as they come. To take things one day at a time. To appreciate every little thing in my life.

I used to be this way. I had an ex-boyfriend tell me that he really admired how I found beauty or something good in the little things in life, in everything. And I think that’s the best thing he left me with. I miss that about myself. The past three years have been hard. The ending of 2016 was hard. I discovered some things about a person I was seeing that shocked me, but at the same time didn’t. I knew something was off the whole year we were seeing each other. And it turned out to all be true. Anyway, that whole year, and the two before that really wore me out. So, I complained and was hurt… and was not my best self. I think I’m coming back to appreciating the little things in life again. I genuinely love life. And I’m happy to be here – no matter how difficult each day can be for me with my unique challenges. I’m happy. I can be hurt, upset, frustrated, annoyed, even a little sad at the same time. But I am also happy. And calm. And I have not felt that way in a long time.

So, I will appreciate each day. And take things as they come. And I know I’ll be OK this year :). I can’t wait.

Coming back

I am someone that is constantly changing my dreams, aspirations and ambitions. I go from one dream to another, leaping along to whatever works for the moment. There are times when I come back to a goal that I once had, and start to consider it again. Then I hop onto the next lily pad taking me down the stream of life. And then back to another.

At the moment, I’ve come back to my love of writing. I’ve realized that with whatever I’m feeling, I have a lot to say. Whenever I feel strongly about something, I need to talk about it. Whenever I’m angry, I need to let someone know. Whenever I’m hurt, I need to talk about it. Sometimes when I’m sad… that’s when I hold it back. And mostly when I’m happy, I try to pass it on and to let others know about the good news I’m living through.

There are also moments where you get that strong feeling in the pit of your stomach, deep in your gut, can feel it in every part of your cell that you know how something is going to turn out. What the outcome will be. What someone will do. What someone will say. You just know. And you need to wait for it to happen. You need to let it happen. And it hurts like hell sometimes. But you know this is how it is all going to turn out, no matter what you do. Sometimes you are powerless in what the universe wants for it’s people.

That’s what I have been going through the past year.

It feels good to talk about things instead of holding them in. I find that I’m a very fluid person, as mentioned above with my goals and dreams. But, I am also fluid in my emotions… I feel a certain way one moment and then move onto a new feeling (blame it on being a Cancer :P). I am fluid in my opinions of others. I try to see multiple sides of a story. And I like to think about it, and talk about it. I am very opinionated, thought I try to be outgoing at the same time.

Of course, there are moment when I am quiet. When I just do not have anything to say. It happens to everyone. Those are times where you just need to sit and feel what you are feeling. Live through life. Experience what you need to experience. And then you an talk about it.

But I’m through that part of the cycle, and I’m ready to talk again.

Letting go.

Recently, I’ve noticed that I have a hard time letting go – specifically, in relationships.

I do not have a hard time letting go of the person per say. I have a hard time letting go of the idea of that person.

I have found that when I was truly in love (maybe one or two times), I did not have as hard of a time letting go. But, when I was not in love, I really held on tight. I think I have a hard time letting go of who I thought “we” were going to become. This has happened three times in the past two years.

I am not someone that dates a lot. I had my first (and most) serious relationship while I was still in high school. I was 16/17, and he was my best friend. We did not have a perfect relationship, but we did get along. He was jealous and insecure, but I was always there. We were best friends, and we did everything together.

Then, he cheated on me. I went away for a month and I guess he couldn’t handle it, for whatever reason. He thought I was going to get bored of him. So, he cheated and broke things off, and ended up dating the girl (someone he worked with) for around 8 months.

By the time he broke up with her and started messaging me to try and get my attention, I had moved on. And I think that bugged him. A lot. I was still hurt, and I moved onto someone who loveedddd me. I was asking the universe for someone that lovedddd me much more than my first boyfriend had. And that person appeared. He was wonderful. But I was not. The good thing is that this second boyfriend found someone amazing shortly after him and I broke up. And I couldn’t be happier. He is a wonderful person.

Anyway. That was the one time I did not hold on – when that first boyfriend broke things off. I was so hurt. I had never been that betrayed. My best friend, my one best friend tore everything apart. It sucked.

I will give him one thing though. After the second boyfriend and I broke up, I went to my first ex to ask for advice as to what I do wrong in relationships. A little weird, maybe. He wanted me to come running back for another reason. He got a little mad, but basically said that I have to focus on myself instead of focusing on someone else.

And he’s been right this whole time.

obsess over a relationship that I know in my gut is doomed. Like, actually constantly think about. I think I am one of those people that genuinely loves love. Do I go out and search for it in every guy I meet and date? I’m not sure that I do. I don’t know. But I do have my guards up. I do not fall head over heels for a long time. It has only happened once. And it took a long time.

So, I end up acting like a mess trying to make things worse, and I end up driving the other person away. I am not friends with any of those guys I acted that way with. And I give too much credit to the other person, which is what happened recently. Because I know it’s not all my fault – it takes two people.

It’s another thing I really need to work on. I try to follow the principle of “whatever is supposed to happen will happen.” But, I am someone who has been trying really hard to make something work that is not supposed to work. I am a “hopeful” romantic, as I like to call it. My coworker said I would die for another person. She got her point across.

I need to trust that that person truly wants to be with me… and I haven’t had too much of that. I think part of the reason this all happens is because I don’t really want to be with that person either. But it’s the idea I have in my head that kills me of what is supposed to happen. Which is the case for most things.

So. I am going to focus on myself. Really actually put school first. Family first. Friends first. Myself first. If a guy comes into my life, that is honestly great. If not, then oh well. But, a friendship is necessary I think. Trust is so hard for me. I have a medical condition that is a make-or-break for many people – honestly, it’s a “break” for most people. So, these things are hard for another reason. But I have to trust that if someone really loves me, they will look past it. And I will one day learn to trust that.

Resolutions, shmesolutions.

As many people have said over and over again, keeping resolutions just doesn’t happen.

So, I’ve set out some goals for the upcoming 12 months – that is how I choose to look at it.

I’d debated as to whether or not I should keep certain goals quiet, or if I should write them down (or type them out).

So, I think I will do something kind of in the middle.

  1. I would love to be a better friend this year. I have had a rough few months (October, November, December), and so it would be great to stop being so self-absorbed in my own “problems” that I create in my head and to just make others feel good about themselves. I think that is a strength of mine. Lately though, when I have written that out loud, I have felt like a phoney. I don’t think others believe me, and I don’t think I fully believe it either. But, I know that I have a huge capacity for love and to give love. I feel like I am love, as cheesy as that sounds. So, I need to start acting on it instead of somewhat ignoring my friends, like I have been. It is not all about me, as I tend to make it. There is a difference between being independent/a loner (which aren’t necessarily bad things, in my opinion) and ignoring others.
  2. To focus on finishing up my last two semesters. I have been working on my degree for soooooo long now. I have taken breaks, switched programs, and just not wanted to do it. I realize now that this is something I would like to finish. Six years later, I would like to obtain my BA Honours Psychology degree. I have plans for the future in terms of continuing my education, but I don’t want to write that out just yet. But, it is there. So, for me, that means: not putting dating first, not putting “fun” first, not putting work first, and to just know that I can focus 8 more months of my life on finishing off strong. It’s only going to help me. I tend to want immediate results (as most people do these days), and I know I can wait just a little bit longer.
  3. Really focus on my health. This year, I will have to. I have totally let it slide in 2015. I drank too much, didn’t sleep enough, ate crappy food, and just totally over worked and stressed myself out. I don’t have the body of a typical 23 year old, and I need to start treating myself better. People who do not have medical problems already treat themselves better than I do, and so why can’t I, who actually has a “reason” to take care of myself, do it?
  4. Know when I am in the wrong, and know when to say “no.” I struggled with this one over the past few months. I tend to push and push and ruin things. I don’t really know why I do this. I would like to stop though. I need to trust others more. And if something feels “off,” then to think about why, and if I can’t figure out why, then to just let it be or walk away. I sort of did that this past year with someone I was dating. I’m not sure what will happen in the future. I told him that “I needed to go” and that I wished him the best in the upcoming new  year. And that I will respect what he wants, which is space. So, I will give him some. The impatient, results-driven part of me wants to text him right now and to ask him how he is doing, but I won’t. I need to respect him. And I need to learn to be with people who respect me as well.
  5. That is also something I need to learn to do – respect myself and others. I need to cut my unhealthy, obsessive habits and to stop stressing about things I cannot control. I feel as if there are parts of my life which I cannot control, and I know that to be 100% true. But that is the case with everyone. You can only control yourself, your reactions, your thoughts, etc – everything about YOU. You cannot control what happens to you. You cannot control if you develop a disease or not. You cannot control if you get fired. You cannot control the fact that someone you love deeply may one day leave. Sure, you can somewhat work things out in your favour and work hard at things so that these things will likely not happen – but you never have the 100% guarantee. That’s life. I need to let go of the fear of things going wrong, because that is what has been making things “go wrong.”

Basically, I would like to relax this year and to just let things happen as they may. I need to trust that everything happens for a reason, and that it is no accident. I truly believe in that. Life is also what you make of it, and I can’t make my life one that I will regret 10 years down the line. I choose to be my best self, and to put that self forward always.

 

Slight rejection/embarrassment.

As self absorbed (I don’t think this is the right word, but you know what I mean, I hope) as this sounds, I don’t really know what rejection feels like from a guy. Especially when I don’t actually want the rejection to happen.

Let me explain. I’ve dated guys, and I’ve wanted the relationship to end. So, I sabotage it so that they do the breaking up themselves. I have a very hard time actually ending something, though I actually want it to end.

But I went out to coffee with a friend of my friend’s boyfriend (someone I kind of know, but more that I know “of him”), and I thought it went really well. We talked for 3 hours until the coffee place closed.

And it’s been me who has been reaching out to him last week. He hasn’t been reaching out much to me at all, and when he has been, it’s been slow responses and the conversations end quickly. I had to ask if we were still “on” when we hung out the one time. He said many things like, “I’ll do this next time,” and “If you get the chance to meet my dad,” and “I can do this for you.” Now, I realize that he’s one of those guys that just “says things” but doesn’t actually mean them. Like, “oh yeah, we’ll hang out! For sure!” and you never hear from that person again. That was what it was.

And that’s hard for me, because I stick to my word. I try to always be fair and honest and stay true to my word.

So, basically, every guy I’ve dated has put forth the effort, and I’ve sort of played “hard to get.”

I think I was kind of played, but maybe he doesn’t know that. And I’d rather he not know that. I’d rather he think I’m OK with all of this… which is stupid and I never thought I’d be that girl that wants to play it off as being “OK” when it’s not. It’s stupid.

He likes a lot of my social media posts still, but that’s not saying much. And I feel as if everything he does now is just to be “nice.” So, I just wanna cut him off. But, I can’t, because that would make things awkward. So… I’m stuck playing this part and sucking up my feelings.

I have a really hard time starting these kinds of things and it took me months before I agreed to a date/hang out with him. When I finally did, he just totally blew me off after. But, nicely. Which is worse. I told him that I hate when exes call each other crazy and don’t talk and cut each other off… and while we weren’t exes, I think he is using my word against me right now and is trying to be nice and make the situation pleasant.

He said all of these great things when we hung out with friends, and then totally changed his mind afterwards.

It sucks.

First-world problems, I know. But I hate the feeling of rejection. I don’t take it well, especially when I really emotionally invest myself into something,

I’m actually really bummed… yet I wish he would reach out and want to make an effort to talk to me like I want to talk to him… or I just want him out completely.

Such a small, insignificant issue, I know. But I’m feeling kinda lame about myself… especially once I finally agree to put myself out there after years.