Letting go.

Recently, I’ve noticed that I have a hard time letting go – specifically, in relationships.

I do not have a hard time letting go of the person per say. I have a hard time letting go of the idea of that person.

I have found that when I was truly in love (maybe one or two times), I did not have as hard of a time letting go. But, when I was not in love, I really held on tight. I think I have a hard time letting go of who I thought “we” were going to become. This has happened three times in the past two years.

I am not someone that dates a lot. I had my first (and most) serious relationship while I was still in high school. I was 16/17, and he was my best friend. We did not have a perfect relationship, but we did get along. He was jealous and insecure, but I was always there. We were best friends, and we did everything together.

Then, he cheated on me. I went away for a month and I guess he couldn’t handle it, for whatever reason. He thought I was going to get bored of him. So, he cheated and broke things off, and ended up dating the girl (someone he worked with) for around 8 months.

By the time he broke up with her and started messaging me to try and get my attention, I had moved on. And I think that bugged him. A lot. I was still hurt, and I moved onto someone who loveedddd me. I was asking the universe for someone that lovedddd me much more than my first boyfriend had. And that person appeared. He was wonderful. But I was not. The good thing is that this second boyfriend found someone amazing shortly after him and I broke up. And I couldn’t be happier. He is a wonderful person.

Anyway. That was the one time I did not hold on – when that first boyfriend broke things off. I was so hurt. I had never been that betrayed. My best friend, my one best friend tore everything apart. It sucked.

I will give him one thing though. After the second boyfriend and I broke up, I went to my first ex to ask for advice as to what I do wrong in relationships. A little weird, maybe. He wanted me to come running back for another reason. He got a little mad, but basically said that I have to focus on myself instead of focusing on someone else.

And he’s been right this whole time.

I obsess over a relationship that I know in my gut is doomed. Like, actually constantly think about. I think I am one of those people that genuinely loves love. Do I go out and search for it in every guy I meet and date? I’m not sure that I do. I don’t know. But I do have my guards up. I do not fall head over heels for a long time. It has only happened once. And it took a long time.

So, I end up acting like a mess trying to make things worse, and I end up driving the other person away. I am not friends with any of those guys I acted that way with. And I give too much credit to the other person, which is what happened recently. Because I know it’s not all my fault – it takes two people.

It’s another thing I really need to work on. I try to follow the principle of “whatever is supposed to happen will happen.” But, I am someone who has been trying really hard to make something work that is not supposed to work. I am a “hopeful” romantic, as I like to call it. My coworker said I would die for another person. She got her point across.

I need to trust that that person truly wants to be with me… and I haven’t had too much of that. I think part of the reason this all happens is because I don’t really want to be with that person either. But it’s the idea I have in my head that kills me of what is supposed to happen. Which is the case for most things.

So. I am going to focus on myself. Really actually put school first. Family first. Friends first. Myself first. If a guy comes into my life, that is honestly great. If not, then oh well. But, a friendship is necessary I think. Trust is so hard for me. I have a medical condition that is a make-or-break for many people – honestly, it’s a “break” for most people. So, these things are hard for another reason. But I have to trust that if someone really loves me, they will look past it. And I will one day learn to trust that.