Changing your ways…

… is much easier said than done.

*Btw… I’m going to be posting some personal posts for the next while I think. The New Year and *life* I guess is making me very reflective.

How do you break patterns of things that you’ve been doing the same way for years and years? How do you break them when it’s what you’ve grown up with and what you’ve seen?

I think you have to really get tired of it. Even then.. it’s so easy to fall back into those patterns.

I’ve noticed that I have a really difficult time dealing with endings, losing people and things ending. If a job ends or I lose a job… I’m pretty fine with it. I might be upset for a day, but the next day I move on. But with friendships and relationships, and with people rejecting you… that’s tough. And I cannot see to get a hang of “properly” letting someone go.

I don’t like for things to change, even if I myself want the change. I think that I want friends and men to fight for me, even though I don’t want to fight for them anymore. Pretty selfish, right?

At least I know I do this. I tend to become a horrible person when someone wants to leave, even though every single time, I have “made” the situation happen that way. I honestly don’t know why I do this.

But at least I realize that I do. And that I want to change.

Change is hard. Everyone knows that. Even if it’s necessary, change is hard.

But I think that deep down, you have to know better. And I do. I know that people deserve to be treated with respect, and not treated poorly – not matter how hurt I can be.

I think it’s all just about growing up. Finally.

25 things about me

I always found these lists a little silly, but I figure I might as well put one out just to give readers a little bit of info about myself :).

My name is Claudia
I am 24 years old
I’m a Cancer (for the zodiac peeps)
I live in the capital of Canada (Ottawa)
I LOVE winter. Judge me all you want. Canadian weather is perfect
I have a rare eye condition that leaves me with limited peripheral vision, less than perfect central vision, and limited night vision
Tying in with the last point… I hate when people pity me. I would rather someone understand what I am going through instead of feeling sorry for me
I genuinely think that life is awesome. Yes, some days are difficult. Some days are hard as hell. But I wouldn’t trade places with anyone. I love who I am, even though I hate some of the things I do
Full disclosure: I tend to be either ice cold or overly emotional in relationships… hehe. Something I’m working on. Promise
If you ever want to guilt me into feeling badly about the way I treated you.. that’s very easy
My mom is my hero. She is always there for me, even when I don’t deserve it
Along with pretty much every twenty-something year old, I love travelling. Last year was a great travel year – New York/New Jersey x2, Vancouver, and more that I can’t think of at the moment
I think that Friday the 13th’s are lucky
I lived in Calgary, AB for 14 years. It was awesome. Alberta and British Columbia re beautiful. I miss it, but I don’t think I would move back
I’m the oldest child in the family, out of 4
I can never get enough apple sauce. Or poutine. Or green tea.
Not to be cocky or anythang, but I know that I have a killer intuition. When I know something, I know it
My future plans change about every month
Somehow, I always come back to writing. It’s my therapy
Reading ties in with that as well. I love escaping or experiencing a different world. Travelling helps with that too, and hearing other people’s stories
I am obsessed with analyzing people, especially their romantic relationships. I find it all so interesting. Why did those two get back together- they were horrible to each other! How are the two of them lasting so long, they don’t have anything in common! Those two would be perfect together, how are they not dating?! Those kinds of things. I genuinely love learning about people’s relationships
I don’t drive (check #6)
When I was younger, my sister tried to cut my finger off (really). And I also stapled my finger another time, just because (really)
I had a horrible time with injuries when I was younger. I was injury-prone, and I’m surprised I do not have more scars/broken bones to prove it
I’m not sure exactly what I want to do “when I grow up (aka nowwww),” but I’d love to do something where I get to share people’s success stories/inspirational stories… the kinds of things you read on Facebook, or the feel-good stories you hear on the news. That is what keeps people going, and I have such a strong connection to bringing out the best in life, even though you might think there is nothing left

Meh, pretty generic.

No resolutions

2017 is the first year where I am actually not planning on setting in motion any resolutions.

I figure it’s the easiest thing to do. Resolutions are broken so easily, and so quickly. I think that most of the time, it’s setting someone up for failure. I understand goals, but I think resolutions are different in nature. I can’t put my finger on it, but they just seem different. There seems to be more pressure. You have to / cannot do a certain thing for a whole year. That’s a long time. Goals can be personal, and you don’t have to share those with everyone. I feel like resolutions are more things you tell other people. I’ve had more personal success with goals when I’ve kept them to myself.

So this year, I’m not setting out to accomplish anything. If I could be setting out some kind of resolution, I would probably say it’s simply to take things as they come. To take things one day at a time. To appreciate every little thing in my life.

I used to be this way. I had an ex-boyfriend tell me that he really admired how I found beauty or something good in the little things in life, in everything. And I think that’s the best thing he left me with. I miss that about myself. The past three years have been hard. The ending of 2016 was hard. I discovered some things about a person I was seeing that shocked me, but at the same time didn’t. I knew something was off the whole year we were seeing each other. And it turned out to all be true. Anyway, that whole year, and the two before that really wore me out. So, I complained and was hurt… and was not my best self. I think I’m coming back to appreciating the little things in life again. I genuinely love life. And I’m happy to be here – no matter how difficult each day can be for me with my unique challenges. I’m happy. I can be hurt, upset, frustrated, annoyed, even a little sad at the same time. But I am also happy. And calm. And I have not felt that way in a long time.

So, I will appreciate each day. And take things as they come. And I know I’ll be OK this year :). I can’t wait.

Coming back

I am someone that is constantly changing my dreams, aspirations and ambitions. I go from one dream to another, leaping along to whatever works for the moment. There are times when I come back to a goal that I once had, and start to consider it again. Then I hop onto the next lily pad taking me down the stream of life. And then back to another.

At the moment, I’ve come back to my love of writing. I’ve realized that with whatever I’m feeling, I have a lot to say. Whenever I feel strongly about something, I need to talk about it. Whenever I’m angry, I need to let someone know. Whenever I’m hurt, I need to talk about it. Sometimes when I’m sad… that’s when I hold it back. And mostly when I’m happy, I try to pass it on and to let others know about the good news I’m living through.

There are also moments where you get that strong feeling in the pit of your stomach, deep in your gut, can feel it in every part of your cell that you know how something is going to turn out. What the outcome will be. What someone will do. What someone will say. You just know. And you need to wait for it to happen. You need to let it happen. And it hurts like hell sometimes. But you know this is how it is all going to turn out, no matter what you do. Sometimes you are powerless in what the universe wants for it’s people.

That’s what I have been going through the past year.

It feels good to talk about things instead of holding them in. I find that I’m a very fluid person, as mentioned above with my goals and dreams. But, I am also fluid in my emotions… I feel a certain way one moment and then move onto a new feeling (blame it on being a Cancer :P). I am fluid in my opinions of others. I try to see multiple sides of a story. And I like to think about it, and talk about it. I am very opinionated, thought I try to be outgoing at the same time.

Of course, there are moment when I am quiet. When I just do not have anything to say. It happens to everyone. Those are times where you just need to sit and feel what you are feeling. Live through life. Experience what you need to experience. And then you an talk about it.

But I’m through that part of the cycle, and I’m ready to talk again.

Letting go.

Recently, I’ve noticed that I have a hard time letting go – specifically, in relationships.

I do not have a hard time letting go of the person per say. I have a hard time letting go of the idea of that person.

I have found that when I was truly in love (maybe one or two times), I did not have as hard of a time letting go. But, when I was not in love, I really held on tight. I think I have a hard time letting go of who I thought “we” were going to become. This has happened three times in the past two years.

I am not someone that dates a lot. I had my first (and most) serious relationship while I was still in high school. I was 16/17, and he was my best friend. We did not have a perfect relationship, but we did get along. He was jealous and insecure, but I was always there. We were best friends, and we did everything together.

Then, he cheated on me. I went away for a month and I guess he couldn’t handle it, for whatever reason. He thought I was going to get bored of him. So, he cheated and broke things off, and ended up dating the girl (someone he worked with) for around 8 months.

By the time he broke up with her and started messaging me to try and get my attention, I had moved on. And I think that bugged him. A lot. I was still hurt, and I moved onto someone who loveedddd me. I was asking the universe for someone that lovedddd me much more than my first boyfriend had. And that person appeared. He was wonderful. But I was not. The good thing is that this second boyfriend found someone amazing shortly after him and I broke up. And I couldn’t be happier. He is a wonderful person.

Anyway. That was the one time I did not hold on – when that first boyfriend broke things off. I was so hurt. I had never been that betrayed. My best friend, my one best friend tore everything apart. It sucked.

I will give him one thing though. After the second boyfriend and I broke up, I went to my first ex to ask for advice as to what I do wrong in relationships. A little weird, maybe. He wanted me to come running back for another reason. He got a little mad, but basically said that I have to focus on myself instead of focusing on someone else.

And he’s been right this whole time.

I obsess over a relationship that I know in my gut is doomed. Like, actually constantly think about. I think I am one of those people that genuinely loves love. Do I go out and search for it in every guy I meet and date? I’m not sure that I do. I don’t know. But I do have my guards up. I do not fall head over heels for a long time. It has only happened once. And it took a long time.

So, I end up acting like a mess trying to make things worse, and I end up driving the other person away. I am not friends with any of those guys I acted that way with. And I give too much credit to the other person, which is what happened recently. Because I know it’s not all my fault – it takes two people.

It’s another thing I really need to work on. I try to follow the principle of “whatever is supposed to happen will happen.” But, I am someone who has been trying really hard to make something work that is not supposed to work. I am a “hopeful” romantic, as I like to call it. My coworker said I would die for another person. She got her point across.

I need to trust that that person truly wants to be with me… and I haven’t had too much of that. I think part of the reason this all happens is because I don’t really want to be with that person either. But it’s the idea I have in my head that kills me of what is supposed to happen. Which is the case for most things.

So. I am going to focus on myself. Really actually put school first. Family first. Friends first. Myself first. If a guy comes into my life, that is honestly great. If not, then oh well. But, a friendship is necessary I think. Trust is so hard for me. I have a medical condition that is a make-or-break for many people – honestly, it’s a “break” for most people. So, these things are hard for another reason. But I have to trust that if someone really loves me, they will look past it. And I will one day learn to trust that.

Resolutions, shmesolutions.

As many people have said over and over again, keeping resolutions just doesn’t happen.

So, I’ve set out some goals for the upcoming 12 months – that is how I choose to look at it.

I’d debated as to whether or not I should keep certain goals quiet, or if I should write them down (or type them out).

So, I think I will do something kind of in the middle.

I would love to be a better friend this year. I have had a rough few months (October, November, December), and so it would be great to stop being so self-absorbed in my own “problems” that I create in my head and to just make others feel good about themselves. I think that is a strength of mine. Lately though, when I have written that out loud, I have felt like a phoney. I don’t think others believe me, and I don’t think I fully believe it either. But, I know that I have a huge capacity for love and to give love. I feel like I am love, as cheesy as that sounds. So, I need to start acting on it instead of somewhat ignoring my friends, like I have been. It is not all about me, as I tend to make it. There is a difference between being independent/a loner (which aren’t necessarily bad things, in my opinion) and ignoring others.
To focus on finishing up my last two semesters. I have been working on my degree for soooooo long now. I have taken breaks, switched programs, and just not wanted to do it. I realize now that this is something I would like to finish. Six years later, I would like to obtain my BA Honours Psychology degree. I have plans for the future in terms of continuing my education, but I don’t want to write that out just yet. But, it is there. So, for me, that means: not putting dating first, not putting “fun” first, not putting work first, and to just know that I can focus 8 more months of my life on finishing off strong. It’s only going to help me. I tend to want immediate results (as most people do these days), and I know I can wait just a little bit longer.
Really focus on my health. This year, I will have to. I have totally let it slide in 2015. I drank too much, didn’t sleep enough, ate crappy food, and just totally over worked and stressed myself out. I don’t have the body of a typical 23 year old, and I need to start treating myself better. People who do not have medical problems already treat themselves better than I do, and so why can’t I, who actually has a “reason” to take care of myself, do it?
Know when I am in the wrong, and know when to say “no.” I struggled with this one over the past few months. I tend to push and push and ruin things. I don’t really know why I do this. I would like to stop though. I need to trust others more. And if something feels “off,” then to think about why, and if I can’t figure out why, then to just let it be or walk away. I sort of did that this past year with someone I was dating. I’m not sure what will happen in the future. I told him that “I needed to go” and that I wished him the best in the upcoming new year. And that I will respect what he wants, which is space. So, I will give him some. The impatient, results-driven part of me wants to text him right now and to ask him how he is doing, but I won’t. I need to respect him. And I need to learn to be with people who respect me as well.
That is also something I need to learn to do – respect myself and others. I need to cut my unhealthy, obsessive habits and to stop stressing about things I cannot control. I feel as if there are parts of my life which I cannot control, and I know that to be 100% true. But that is the case with everyone. You can only control yourself, your reactions, your thoughts, etc – everything about YOU. You cannot control what happens to you. You cannot control if you develop a disease or not. You cannot control if you get fired. You cannot control the fact that someone you love deeply may one day leave. Sure, you can somewhat work things out in your favour and work hard at things so that these things will likely not happen – but you never have the 100% guarantee. That’s life. I need to let go of the fear of things going wrong, because that is what has been making things “go wrong.”

Basically, I would like to relax this year and to just let things happen as they may. I need to trust that everything happens for a reason, and that it is no accident. I truly believe in that. Life is also what you make of it, and I can’t make my life one that I will regret 10 years down the line. I choose to be my best self, and to put that self forward always.

Slight rejection/embarrassment.

As self absorbed (I don’t think this is the right word, but you know what I mean, I hope) as this sounds, I don’t really know what rejection feels like from a guy. Especially when I don’t actually want the rejection to happen.

Let me explain. I’ve dated guys, and I’ve wanted the relationship to end. So, I sabotage it so that they do the breaking up themselves. I have a very hard time actually ending something, though I actually want it to end.

But I went out to coffee with a friend of my friend’s boyfriend (someone I kind of know, but more that I know “of him”), and I thought it went really well. We talked for 3 hours until the coffee place closed.

And it’s been me who has been reaching out to him last week. He hasn’t been reaching out much to me at all, and when he has been, it’s been slow responses and the conversations end quickly. I had to ask if we were still “on” when we hung out the one time. He said many things like, “I’ll do this next time,” and “If you get the chance to meet my dad,” and “I can do this for you.” Now, I realize that he’s one of those guys that just “says things” but doesn’t actually mean them. Like, “oh yeah, we’ll hang out! For sure!” and you never hear from that person again. That was what it was.

And that’s hard for me, because I stick to my word. I try to always be fair and honest and stay true to my word.

So, basically, every guy I’ve dated has put forth the effort, and I’ve sort of played “hard to get.”

I think I was kind of played, but maybe he doesn’t know that. And I’d rather he not know that. I’d rather he think I’m OK with all of this… which is stupid and I never thought I’d be that girl that wants to play it off as being “OK” when it’s not. It’s stupid.

He likes a lot of my social media posts still, but that’s not saying much. And I feel as if everything he does now is just to be “nice.” So, I just wanna cut him off. But, I can’t, because that would make things awkward. So… I’m stuck playing this part and sucking up my feelings.

I have a really hard time starting these kinds of things and it took me months before I agreed to a date/hang out with him. When I finally did, he just totally blew me off after. But, nicely. Which is worse. I told him that I hate when exes call each other crazy and don’t talk and cut each other off… and while we weren’t exes, I think he is using my word against me right now and is trying to be nice and make the situation pleasant.

He said all of these great things when we hung out with friends, and then totally changed his mind afterwards.

It sucks.

First-world problems, I know. But I hate the feeling of rejection. I don’t take it well, especially when I really emotionally invest myself into something,

I’m actually really bummed… yet I wish he would reach out and want to make an effort to talk to me like I want to talk to him… or I just want him out completely.

Such a small, insignificant issue, I know. But I’m feeling kinda lame about myself… especially once I finally agree to put myself out there after years.

So, about that “writing thing”…

I’ve decided to give it a go.

I’m currently writing for a small, employment-based business website. Basically, I’m writing articles for a website (that will be launching soon) about career choices, work-life balance and “10 ways to ace your interview,” “10 ways to boost your brain,” sort of articles. I’m able to interview people, use my own experience, or gather my own research. I’m not too familiar with this area, but I figure it could be pretty helpful to me personally – since I could use all of the career advice I can get. Also, it’ll help me write about something I’m not too familiar with.

Additionally, I just signed up to write for a daily news/media blog (also launching soon). I will need to submit at least one article per day (~500 words) based on a select number of topics provided. Each day, there will be 50-80 topics to choose from, and each writer gets their own unique subject. So, no one is writing about the same thing. I find this interesting as well, since I have more freedom and I get paid a little bit for this. Not much, but it’s something.

I’m pretty excited about both. Both are pretty different. The first is more lenient in terms of due dates and quantity of articles (I think, still need to find out about that), while the other one is more lenient in terms of subject matter. Both will be nice, I think. I need all of the experience I can get at this point. I don’t have much right now, since I’m just starting out. I figure I’ll have to do a bit of this for free… which is OK with me. That’s the case in a lot of these sorts of situations.

I do like to write. I need practice though. I was thinking of eventually entering in a Professional Writing program at a local college here. But, that won’t be for another year at least. I need to complete this Psychology degree and finally graduate. Then, we’ll see. I’m going to need more money, to move out, other expenses, etc.

Freelance writing seems really interesting though. It kinda fits, I want to say. There are deadlines, but not too strenuous. And you’re your own boss – which is scary but great at the same time. You don’t get a steady pay check, but you can work as much or as little as you want. Yeah, I won’t be making much money right now, but maybe someday soon. That’d be nice.

So, I’ll keep my retail job, for now. My boss is looking to hire two more girls this week… so I won’t be getting the hours I have been for the past month (bummer). But, that gives me more time to focus on this writing thing and my one class I’m taking this summer.

**Also, I’ve been sort of absent for the past few weeks because I’ve been figuring all of this stuff out, among other things. I needed a bit of a break. And I had one I guess, haha. I don’t think I’ll be posting on here daily or anything, since I’ll be writing so much anyway. But, it’ll be nice to put my personal thoughts somewhere 🙂

Mondays have always been my favourite.

I’m just going to write about things that I’ve been up to.. this is going to be sort of a vent session.

The other day, I wrote this little blurb on in Instagram about how much I love new beginnings and new things. I just realized that I forgot to write about how much I love Mondays! Maybe I’ll save that for tomorrow. Anyway, I love Mondays. I love the beginning of the week, and therefore, I love Mondays. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow from everything – work, school, etc. A day off is 100% necessary.

I work in retail, and this weekend marked the beginning of BOGO. People are insane about BOGO. And I really tried to be nice to everyone. But, I just kinda couldn’t take it right from the beginning of my shift today. It was only 3 hours, but two customers in particular I just wasn’t clicking with. One woman forgot the items she was exchanging in the aisle, and so they were put back with the other shoes. Then she told me I had them, and I said no… she definitely did, I gave the shoes to her. I went to look for at least four different pairs of shoes for her. She was still deciding once she got to the cash. One of the new pairs she was buying were on clearance, so they were a little dirty because they’ve been worn around our store a little bit – but not outside the store. So she was saying they were worn. I said no, they are a clearance item and have just been worn a little. So she made me write that on the receipt in case she wanted to return them. Plus, there were at least 6 groups behind her in line. Waaaasn’t totally happy with things.

Plus, I had a pretty big headache from the beginning.

Plus, this other woman came in and totally did a 180. She was so nice and thanking us for our help once she got to cash, but then she realized that her son did not have his SPC (Student Discount) card. So, they couldn’t get 10% off. She wanted the discount even though she didn’t have the card. Kind of … weird. Not gonna happen.

ANYWAY. Rant over. I guess those are the joys of working retail.

On a brighter note, I’ve been looking at apartments a lot recently. I was planning on moving out with my sister, but she doesn’t want to move out yet. She says the commute to her two jobs (which are both within a minute of one another) would be too much, since we want to live a good 30+ min bus ride from where we live now. I personally don’t mind it. At all. But she doesn’t want it. And I can’t afford living on my own right now. So, back to square one. I’ll keep hoping for an offer to come in from the millions of places I applied at so that I can start making more money, saving up, and moving on out!

My parents also got an offer on the house… nearly 100k lower than their asking price. So, they’re not taking that…. and my dad is hardly budging. We’ve had our house on the market for 3 years this year. Kind of insane that my father is not budging. He doesn’t understand the market, and doesn’t realize that people don’t really care about how much he put into the house. People aren’t going to pay that much money because it really isn’r worth that much anymore. It’s an older house, and it still needs more work. So, we’re all stuck here. Another area in my life that makes me feel so damn stuck.

I recently applied for this position as a writer on this job-search website. Mind you, my writing skills on here aren’t that great… but I can write a damn good research/businessey-sounding article (haha). Anyway, I’m going to start on that tomorrow. I’ve been holding it off because of school and work, and things were just not going well. My head wasn’t really in the game. So, I’ll start on that tomorrow, and hopefully have 3 done by the end of this week 🙂 Just some basic ones.

I also work my maximum hours this week, which is nice. More money, less problems!

I’m done classes for the semester! Didn’t do very well on my exams/totally slacked off… but I am done.

I’m going to be volunteering for a few days at The National Arts Centre next month. I’m pretty excited about that. I’ll get to meet some great local artists/dancer/whoever else. I’ll get free tickets and I’ll be able to get things done down town. I love being down town. So, that’ll be fun!

I’m going to start planning my diet plan seriously tomorrow. My health issues are sort of out of my control (perks of having a rare, genetic, degenerative condition), but I’m going to do whatever i can to slow things down. I’ll eat all the kale and blueberries and vitamins in my power! It’s gonna be hard, because I love easy, unhealthy, fatty food… but I really need to do it now. It’s time. I can’t hold this off anymore because my body is telling me that I can’t hold it off.

Going to come up with a little bit of a fitness plan as well. That always helps.

And I made a promise to myself never to have another cigarrette again. I’ve only ever had 2. I don’t want anymore. Smoking is horrible for my condition. Mind you, it’s horrible for everybody. But for me… makes things 100x worse. I think I just smoked those two times because I wanted to experience everything… but it’s not worth it for me.

I’m going to have to cut a lot out… but I have to. I have no choice. I don’t want to live a life where I caused my own detriment. I won’t let that happen.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m going to try to write a bit more of a quality, insightful article tomorrow. I’ve been out of the loop because honestly, I’ve felt like crap the past few months… especially the past few weeks. I was honestly probably at my lowest. RIght now, I feel OK. But it’s been a little up-and-down. So hopefully I can be more consistent with this!

A Fresh Start.

Today feels like a fresh start. I think it has to do with the lunar eclipse. I’ve been following astrology a lot these past 6 months, and while I’ve been trying to ween away from it to live a more “carefree, spontaneous” life, I think I’m still a little attached.

According to astrology, this blood moon/lunar eclipse is all about realizing the past three years and moving forward.

The past three years have been hell for me, filled with confusion, shame, regret and guilt. There has been lots of trial and error, and tons of giving it my all and falling back down. There’s been lots of rising up to greatness, with a nagging feeling of, “no, not yet. This isn’t it. You’re going to come back down and start over.” And I had to do just that… over and over again.

A relationship I was in ended about.. a year and a half ago. And we dated for about a year and a half. So, three years for that. I’ve still had a hard time dealing with the relationship while I was in it and the backlash of the break-up. I have never in my life felt so much guilt, shame, and I’ve never had such low self-worth. I felt horrible because of the person I became, the way I acted, and the things I said. I had just been cheated on before I entered this relationship, and I was in no place to enter this relationship. I knew that in my heart, but I wanted this guy so badly. We had both wanted each other since we were like.. 17 years old. So, it had to happen. He even said so. We couldn’t have just been friends.

As much as I wanted this to work, I knew in my heart that is would never work out. I never felt right for him. This had nothing to do with me… in the sense that I didn’t want to be with someone else. I just wanted to be alone. I knew I had to be alone. But I couldn’t let go. So, we went back and forth and wore each other down. The break-up was emotionally violent and extremely painful. But, I still felt a sense of relief. And I’m sure he did too. It wasn’t working, as much as we both had wanted it to. We talked for a while after the break-up, but I just kept getting mad at him. And so, he kept getting mad at me. I finally completely destroyed any feelings he had for me… and in a way, I think that’s what I wanted. I think I wanted those horrible feelings of doubt and feeling as if he “belongs” with someone else to come true. And they did. He moved on pretty soon after we broke up, and he is still with her. And she is exactly as I imagined she would be. And I’m happy for him. Truly. I see him being with her for a really long time, and possibly growing old together. We are young, but they look wonderful together. And happy.

Everything happened just as I thought it would. And that’s OK.

I’ve been working on self-love and self-care. I seriously lacked that for the past 6 years. I’ve always been someone’s girlfriend, and not “Claudia.” I didn’t even know what I really wanted, and still don’t. I attribute that partially to my illness, but also due to the fact that it never really mattered to me, as long as I had a guy there to care for.

So, over this past year and a half, I’ve been seriously caring for myself – for my soul, body, mind, etc. My total well-being. I’ve fallen off the wagon a lot of times. I think I am drawn to destructive behaviours, and I think I had serious issues with self-worth. I think this has to do with my home environment and many other deeply rooted things, but I owe it to myself to try and figure this out. It’s not fair to myself and the other people I meet. I owe it to myself to be the best person I can be and to live the life I imagined for myself. As much as I feel like giving up day after day sometimes, I don’t. I can’t. I don’t think people feel the hopelessness I do sometimes, but I am still somehow here. I need to be. And I need to figure out why.

So, with this new lunar eclipse, I’m going to work on myself. Again. And I’ll keep doing so until the day I die.

I’ve been reading that lunar eclipses bring to the surface new emotions, or old ones we have repressed. We are in total darkness at one point. I honestly felt this way for a few days… completely hopeless, sad, and totally unmotivated. Hopeless is a strong word, but it was real.

The lunar eclipse is in Libra, and we are meant to balance out relationship needs with individual freedom (Aries). I’ve noticed that I’ve seriously been neglecting my own needs in relationships in general, as I’ve stated, and my freedom is something I’ve been craving or years. I want to be who I want to be, not who I think someone else wants me to be. That’s what tore me apart and made me act like a monster.

Additionally, the full moon is in the sign of Capricorn, “which has to do with structures, responsibilities, career, and traditions.” I hope for a career change – more money, a different field, and more hours. I need a change, and I expect to have to work hard, but I will do it. It’s time. I need a challenge, and I need to get out.

This is also what needs to be looked at, and I think what I wrote about has touched on these points:

What parts of my psyche did I reconstruct over the past three years?
What emotions if any, did I suppress/repress/disassociate from during this time?
How have I expanded during this time?
What parts of my life are ready to come into greater balance?
Is my life based on consideration for others as well as for myself?
What provides healthy comfort for me at this time?
What is the core focus on a heart and soul level of this new chapter of my life?

Additionally, here are some new options to look at for self-care:

Lots of rest and relaxation with the help of Venus and Mars in Taurus as we recuperate on all levels from the past 3 years.
Time in nature to rejuvenate and rebalance.
Allowing emotions to surface and dissipate. Music, dancing, crying, journaling, talking etc can all help in the process and also act as containers.
Meditation and body work to quieten the mind, which could still be quite fast with the stellium (including Mercury) in Aries.
Paying attention to diet and avoiding excesses. Noticing if we are using food/alcohol/substances in an attempt to suppress emotions.
Time with loved ones – physical comfort can feel particularly nurturing at this time with Venus in Earthy Taurus.

So there we go! Hopefully this is a great new start. It’s starting to look like spring, and Easter is tomorrow. It’s a great time to celebrate. My parents are cooking lots of great food, and I’ll be drinking lots of wine tomorrow (always a positive!) I also went shopping and finally bought a black blazer, which is one closet staple I have been scouring the corners of the earth for for ages. I also found some other staples, and I got all of these for a really, really great price. I’m grateful, happy, and excited. I still have a tinge of self-doubt and the anticipation of coming bad creeping through, but for now, I’m OK.